I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Randomize
