Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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