are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
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