if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
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