so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
Randomize
