Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
her facebook's as public as her vagina
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
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