Damn I can't remmbre the last tome I had sobr sex
Um. I believe with my boyfriend, slut
Fuck. Wron person. But yea
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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