if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
Randomize
