he shaved USA in his pubs
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
