You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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