Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
We need to get me chipped asap
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
