Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
