there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
my vag is so smooth its legendary
We did like every position then did it again this morning. Something about him being the little boy i used to make sand castles with just made it way hotter.
well done
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
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