god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I know it's VERY late and i know i may have burdened you, but on the chance that it's sat nite- are you up or willing to be? Christinas camping and i'm chillin alone.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
stop calling my apartment porn island.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Randomize
