At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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