btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
