I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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