worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
