All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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