Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
