my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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