so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
I have tasted many bathrooms
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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