He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
