Kiss
Puke
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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