i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
