Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Randomize
