I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Randomize
