She is in my trunk
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
i now understand why vodka
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
