Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
