will power is for people who don't want to get laid
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Randomize
