i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
Randomize
