i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
True strength comes from lack of pants
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
