i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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