like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
