you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
