I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
