I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
Randomize
