chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
