it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
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