i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Randomize
