I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Randomize
