I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
