the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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