Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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