He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
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