your parents love me but you hate me
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
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