He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
