please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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