you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Randomize
