Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
