It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
