wat bout pragnant strippers??
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Randomize
